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Tuesday, 18 January 2011

  • Playing catch up

    I moved home from Arkansas 9 months ago with the intention of living the single life. Working, the possibility of school, I didn't really know what my purpose would be in coming home, Other than to provide a little TLC to my grandparents.   My grandfather had an aneurysm in September. I spent a lot of time trying really hard not to lose it.   I lost my best friend by being a worst friend... Funny how you figure out how wrong you are when being right is the reason your relationship fails.   I miss her.   I enrolled in school in August and started in October. I'm taking a leave of absence so i can take advantage of the growth opportunities at my new work.  I started out as a Project Manager, When my eval comes around i may be promoted to a Team Lead. 2 Days after Christmas and 6 months of membership on OkCupid.com I met a man, His name is Glenn. When you know you know, that's all i can really say. To describe the feelings and everything around it would be rather difficult. I love him.    so much has changed and This might take quite some time to document. But i'd like for it to happen 

Friday, 27 August 2010

  • Jesus

    I can't do this 

    He's laying in a bed down the hall and all of the nurses are telling me he'll be okay.

    My heart pounds when i think about how hard it will be when he finally does have to go.

    I've been avoiding the hospital waiting room until it was cleared out.

    I don't want to be around 10+ people when my grandfather who raised me from birth is 'recovering' in the other room.

    I want to cry, alone. I want to know that when I wake up one day and he's not here my heart will not have taken a vacation leaving an empty space where it belongs.

    I want my grandparents to reverse in age, now that they are almost 80 it's time to turn the clock back so when it's time for them to go and they are just infants in my arms i will have had my time to deal.

    Death is so confusing. You never know when it will come and i want to know right now... How much longer am i going to be scared?

    How much longer am i going to fight with the ones i love to get a point across? Is the point that important?  

    I feel dead to the world right now. I'm unavailable, the lights are on but no one is home. She's day dreaming about ridiculous fairy tale endings that defy the laws of physics.

    I can't lose him yet, 23 is much to young to lose your Papa. 

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

  • :)

    I always feel silly when i look back at the place i was standing from my new point of view and realize i know better than to think things wouldn't get better

    It's always going to be okay, everything will always be okay 

    It's through helping my friends that i realize that i was silly 

    I'm so grateful for them

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

  • What is going on?

    I feel like our worlds been infected.

     

    I hate everything about you.
    I hate that you turned me into this person who hates.
    I hate how you think you're better than me.
    I hate how you lie to my face.
    I hate how you pretend to be my friend, when you really are my enemy.
    I hate how you make me feel inferior and jealous.
    I hate how you used me to make yourself feel better until you found someone else.
    I hate how I've become so negative when I think about you.
    I hate how you make me feel unbelievably unworthy. 
    I hate the fact that you can smile and watch me feel uncomfortable.
    I hate how you are so negative towards me.
    I hate how I am inferior to all the other girls in your life, because of my mistakes.
    I hate the fact that I can't get my mind off of you.
    I hate how you won't even bother to talk to me anymore when you call me your "best friend."
    I hate how you pretend that everything is peachy keen when it isn't.
    I hate how you can move on and not even give me any chances.

    I hate how I can hate you but I still love you because I suck. 

    LitlKittyKat wrote this and it is pretty close to how i feel about all of this... 

     

    I really miss you and i wish we could understand each other right now.

    I read your blog and it makes me wonder what has happened in the last year to make things like this. I don't understand it at all. Everyone keeps saying that it will change one day, but I'm not sure i believe them. I also don't know if i want it to not if your resentments are going to cloud our friendship. I give 

    I totally give up, blech

    Note to self:  I give up and i don't give a shit anymore

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

  • If you knew

    So I have been watching this new show on MTV called If you really knew me, and it's inspired me to let people really know me.

    I'll blog about this later since I'm sitting in a bar where people can see everything about me... Ironic

About Me

  • I'm Looking for myself, what i want, what i like. I'm not sure who do to be these days. I hope i like her when i find her... We'll see

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OrigTazmin

  • Visit OrigTazmin's Xanga Site
    • Name: OrigTazmin
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/10/2008

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Chatboard (7)

  • lalalexii
    im sure this is kind of selfish... but i really need you right now.
  • lalalexii
    pffff! no. you had more then one person to see down here before you left. you and i have the rest of our lives to spend together. but right now, all of this... is about YOU. not me. i love you. have SO much fun at school my sweet TWENTY TWO year old best friend.
  • OrigTazmin
    So i'm pretty much regretting not spending more time with you than i did... it was a dumb idea. I came down there for you and i'm such an ass hole that i barely spent time with you at all
  • lalalexii
    haha well presents shouldnt be a materialistic thing... seeing you is enough.
  • OrigTazmin
    I love you lou... I'm sorry i can't get anything for you.
  • lalalexii
    oh, by the way, i got you a present and then my mom threw a little somethin else in there for you. love you.
  • lalalexii
    this really sucks having to learn to stand on my own two feet now that your gone.... its a fucking BITCH if you ask me.